Man looked to the skies seeking a woman he could adore
Only heaven could give him what he wanted and more...
Ravi Parmar, a bright young lawyer, finds himself sitting beside the charming demure Divya. She has all the qualities his parents would like in a 'bahu'. Convent-educated she paints and sings, cooks well and has green fingers that can turn any dry patch into a lush garden. She teaches in a play school but would like to give it up once she is married. What more could anyone want? Yet Ravi finds something missing, and cannot get himself to say yes.
Samir Khanna, an IIT graduate based in Mumbai, met Sonali at a friend's wedding. An attractive fashion designer, she impressed him immensely. He liked the way she carried herself, a smile here, a laugh there, talking respectfully to elders, lovingly admonishing children creating havoc, she seemed completely in command as the bride's sister. He was bowled over, and voiced his interest in getting to know her, with matrimony in mind.
In both cases, smart, well-settled bachelors meet young ladies with perfect credentials, yet one is willing to tie the knot right away, while the other finds something holding him back. Is it beauty, the so-important physical attributes, brains, or a combination of both that men seek? Over the years, the concept of beauty has been transformed .Beauty no longer implies a fair complexion, long hair and sharp features....Every young lady on the road is well-groomed, aware of her looks and alternatives available to enhance them. Blemishes disappear, contours change and the plain Jane gradually emerges as a charming belle.
Meek and submissive, pretty and docile, convent-educated, accomplished in domestic responsibilities, displaying no aggressive traits-these were qualities sought in young women on the threshold of marriage. These stereo types were considered 'safe', so that men could dominate and control; he would lead and she blindly follow. Such women would always be dependent not defiant, staid rather than strong-willed.
But times, they are a-changing. Men and women have come a long way. Their perceptions and attitudes, ideas and expectations have all changed radically. Both have definite ideas about the qualities they would look for in a companion. Men adore both beauty and brains,
love a thinking partner, who is smart and intelligent, with the ability to hold her own, pleasant and impressive, a gracious hostess, a good home-maker who pursues a career and has varied interests; with whom he can discuss problems, but who respects his view-point rather than push her own; who assuages and appeases his ego, rather than hurting it; who is sensitive to his preferences even though he might lack that sensitivity. She should be able to do things on her own, not wait for him to take her around, but at the same time not keep him in the dark about where she is going and what she is doing-as trust does not come easily to men. All these put together tug at his heart-strings.
This is the age of double-income families. The man alone is not the bread-winner, who runs the household, as in this age of retail booms and waves of consumerism, it is difficult to make ends meet. A working wife is sought so that a better standard of living is maintained-everyone wants to be part of the gang of 'haves' rather than the 'havenots'. Hence economic considerations are also responsible for the changing perceptions of men.
Many years ago, a cousin of mine who ran a successful business, got engaged to be married. He seemed happy and totally in love and I asked him what made him say yes. He replied that his fiancé looked 'presentable'! This translated into the fact that when he walked with her, her appearance and personality appealed to those who formed his circle of acquaintance. Another close friend, a corporate executive, tied the knot with a colleague. He felt proud of her intellect as she could talk on the same 'wavelength' as men on management issues, take decisions, and displayed efficiency in all that she did. That she wasn't cut out to be a homemaker didn't detract from her overall personality. Both these men adore the woman in their lives. For the former, social approval was the key issue, and in the latter, it was the fact that she could hold her own in a circle of men, she was the epitome of success in a man's world; when she spoke men would stop to listen.
Women across the spectrum have won adoration from men, be it for looks, personality, the cause they fight for , their accomplishments and talents. The glamour world favourites like Aishwarya Rai, Kareena kapoor and Preity Zinta are adored as spirited beauties. But the likes of Sushmita Sen score above them for their non-conventional beauty, warmth and sensibility in the right blend. Achievers like Anu Aga, Naina Lal Kidwai, Vinita Bali, Kiran Mazumdar Shaw, have made heads turn with their contribution to the corporate sector. Activists like Medha Patkar and Elaben Bhatt who took up social causes and fought for the rights of others have impressed no less. Arundhati Roy, Barkha Dutt, Swati Piramal....the list is endless.
A survey carried out among educated men in the 25-35 age group in Kolkata helped conclude that conventional beauty is no longer the only characteristic urban men adore. Pleasing personality and intelligence, warmth and sincerity, have as much appeal. Nearly 80% said they did not want women who fitted into the housewife mould. The housewife brand today stands for gossip, whiling away time in mindless activities, shopping, kitty-parties and their contribution to the home are not considered substantial enough. Their dependence is unnerving and cumbersome to manage, preventing men from doing what they would like to, never left alone to relax and unwind. The preference is for working women, accomplished and successful in their respective fields, with an identity of their own and economically independent too. Interestingly, the same men also want that after a few years, their accomplished, successful wives should give up their lucrative and satisfying careers to bring up children! Only a small section of men from large business families, who want women to be 'around', want housewives. But here too women must be smart enough to manage on their own .
Psychologists feel that men can never be content-- another person's wife always appeals more. Men are never able to grow out of their mother's shadow and always look for some of her qualities too, being a good home-maker being one of them. Nonetheless, today's man makes choices sensibly, after a lot of thought and consideration. But satisfaction is an entirely different matter, as the grass always seems greener on the other side. The man whose wife becomes a homemaker to care for his family, envies those who have working wives, sharing financial responsibilities, having a lot more confidence, are self assured and forceful. On the other hand, men with working wives often feel a twinge of regret that they can never return to a home where, when they walk in, everything is taken care of and they can just put their feet up and call it a day. For them it is a series of chores listed as their responsibility, payments to be made, a child's homework seen to, while the wife takes care of other things. In their case, as the wife shares the responsibility of earning, they must share her burden of housework, so here too, they need to display the same efficiency and time management skills. The home then doesn't seem very different from the office. Many yearn for a welcoming smile from a devoted wife, waiting to share problems and troubles, a nice home cooked meal and the freedom to just sit in front of the idiot box, surfing channels.
The male macho heart flutters at the sight of beauty, yes. But there is now a realization that beauty may be skin deep, they must scratch and peep beneath the surface, for it is the beauty within that counts. Men tend to move away from frivolous, foolish and immature young ladies. They prefer those who can command respect with their actions, think and feel for others, believe in a cause and have the guts to fight for it, shed tears while sharing another's pain, but not cry on his shoulder all the time, be with him , seek his company , but not tie him down. Men want women to understand them completely, fathom each wish and desire of theirs without their having to spell it out. The world is not without women who fit into this mould, and blessed are those women who are truly adored.
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